Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
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How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Who chose this font
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
(Electricians.)
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
#dalle2
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time