eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
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Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
We’ve come full circle
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Jogging has never helped my memory.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
WHY?!
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”