May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
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First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.