What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
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“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
welp
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow