So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
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*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.