Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Deer are just ballerina dogs
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My blood type is b hungry.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?