I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
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I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
where the womens at?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Cheers Twitter.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.