I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Extremely relatable.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
No laws when master is gone
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Someone just threatened to call me later