When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.