Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
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If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.