Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
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I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??