I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
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My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
What a chick magnet..
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Interviewer: we鈥檙e looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that鈥檚 considerably less stress. And tuition.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I鈥檓 going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there鈥檚 butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Me: . . . and why鈥檚 it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
If you need a laugh.. 馃槄
Look man, I don鈥檛 care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he鈥檚 obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan鈥檚 handiwork.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
COWBOY: This town ain鈥檛 big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO