Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
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I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
titanic
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.