Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
This was the best day of my life
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.