It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
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You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.