You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away