*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
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[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
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“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!