all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
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Who’s drunk
*raises leg
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…