Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Investing in beetcoin
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.