That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
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[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’