[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
You Might Also Like
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
sliding into dms like
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.