*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
The Others (2001)
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.