Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally