Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
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Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Order here:
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Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
What’s this sorcery? 😂
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken