Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
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Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.