ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
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One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff