I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
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Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Is this a threat?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.