I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
You Might Also Like
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
😲 WTF? 😆
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.