If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
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Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
My work here is done
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me