5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
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Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots