I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
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And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol