Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
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I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
The morning after pill, but for tweets
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.