Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
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I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Still a very good boi….
Moms. The original autocorrect.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade