[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
You Might Also Like
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
My life coach traded me.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.