Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
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#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
#DesignFail
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —