Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
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Home #decor warning.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron