if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them