From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
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H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be