Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Strange
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.