When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
You Might Also Like
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.