*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
You Might Also Like
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.