Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
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Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom