Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
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My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Has there ever been a more American story?
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
he chose this
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.