Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
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Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles