Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
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Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg