“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
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As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.