absolute chaos
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[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.