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I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.