“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
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If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
socratic questions
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.