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Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM